Fear of Therapists

I have been to six therapists in the past ten years. And I have only attended therapy about 50% of that time, if that. I have a HUGE fear of therapists. The fear started the first time I went to a therapist. I was living on my own in Waco, trying to earn a PhD. I was very depressed, suicidal. The night before, I came very close to suicide. I wrote the letter, got the pills out, and then decided it was not actually what I wanted. I went on the student health page and was able to schedule a therapy appointment for the following day. I called my mom and she helped me calm down and go to sleep. However the following day I was still keyed up. When I arrived for my therapy appointment I was crying and shaking. The therapist felt that I was still a danger to myself and called campus police to escort me via ambulance to the hospital. I begged and begged not to go! I knew my parents were not going to be happy with an ambulance and ER visit bills. And it was my fifth anniversary and I wanted to spend it in Austin with my boyfriend. But she forced me to go. I fought with the police when they arrived and then the paramedics when we arrived at the hospital. I was distraught and blamed the therapist for sending me to the hospital. I know she was doing her job, but I still to this day do not forgive her. Even today, I am terrified about being sent to the hospital or jail, anytime I sit down with a therapist. I fear bringing any emotion into my appointments. And when I am there, there are things I will NOT talk about. Things that I have done that I am deeply ashamed of.

But my issues with therapists don't end there. I have a tendency to manipulate my therapists. I want to see if they will be able to pick up on my bullshit and call me on it. I have only had one therapist that has called me out. Once I've established that they can't pick up on my lies, I create a whole persona for them to fix. Feeding them lies and working on problems that are not applicable to me. It all then seems pointless, I get bored and just stop going.

I think I am too scared to let the real me show through. Too scared of the horrors in my past to talk about them. Too scared of the consequences. If I speak about my past traumas it just breathes new life into them. It opens the box that I've tightly sealed. Makes me think about things I don't want to think about. I just don't have an environment anywhere, where I feel safe and not judged. Even in my head there are thoughts I won't let myself think. The way I view it is that the past is the past. I can't change it, I can learn from it and move on. I will not talk to anyone about the dark secrets I keep. If I go to therapy I want to only focus on the current problems I have. I want to let my secrets stay hidden in the dark recesses of my mind.